reflections 02-02-04

when do we stop loving? when do we stop living?

i'm sitting here, cold office workstation, pc-glued and mind-boggled. wearin a smile and tryin with every once of me to put a smile on the people around me. yeah... yeah... they tell me i'm strong, tell me i got the juice to power a conversation into excitement. contageous giggle. intuitive thoughts... yet...from within i lay broken, seemingly beaten, badly burned.

they say human beings are attuned to mistakes, to fall, to experience one form of defeat in our miniscule live's. i guess what most people say to be true is perhaps the general notion of what the truth is... but is it really the truth? i read a book once that said " ask questions and discern the truth but dont expect for answers at once for you will never know when the answers will come, it maybe that you are already living the answers yet you still do not know it".

i am not takin this time to write about what i think of people, their experiences. i'm taking my time to put down what i have thought to myself. how i am aware that as a human being i will always be un-perfect and i will always make mistakes. and those mistakes will be to me, like clues that will help me through the journey i take.

sometimes people are too keen on making judgement on people who commit mistakes without having look
on themselves first. it was once said "he who has not sinned, let he cast the first stone". i realized that our general notion of of judgement is based on a selfcentered ideal. however, judgement should not be dealt with in that manner. for each of us, no matter how queer or normal, we all are unique. i realized that "we should judge people not by the standards we keep but by the standards they themselves have.

the obvious truth was starin me flat in my face.

we will forever be hurting each other unless we learn to look not into ourselves but outwards to each other. to reach out before we throw. i realized that, it is not me who is constantly smiling and trying to make people smile. i understood that it is the humanity in me. and i am merely an extension of that humanity.