journal 041410

today i'm starting a journal of my thoughts about my everyday experiences in the hopes that i become understood by "others" better.

why am i doing this?

well for one thing, i feel i need to have a creative outlet where i can just express my thoughts & reactions freely, without the burden of being labeled as "such" or perceived as "such". i also hope this provides me with an opportunity to further document who i am in the little everyday things that i experience... and... hopefully, be able to discern who i am and of what am i becoming. in other words, i want to give my self the ability to see "me" from outside myself... confusing? definitely... worth trying? yup.

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041410

~feeling burdened

by what? well, there's the obvious - work (or what i call the constant pursuit of cash). funny, it comes and it goes and it sure does that real quickly - i wonder if in a different world, what would it be like to totally replace the concept of money and wages and buying and selling with something else -- scifi? too weird?? twilight zone? who knows?

and then there's always the burden of emotions that i am exposed too -- worries, uncertainties, dispensibilities, what have you. one in particular is always the question of -- so what now??

after an argument - what now? after you buy something - what now? after you state your point, make a case - what now? we constantly try to explain the way we are, our weakness and our strengths and yet people still don't get what we're saying -- communication problem? barriers? 

in this age where there's a lot of mediums of technology to enable clear, close and intimate communication, why is it that we tend be understood more?

maybe we all have lost what i like to call "righteous perception" and misread or misinterpret the very meaning of straight-forward words or actions. i don't know -- maybe i have too many things in my plate... maybe i haven't let my thoughts out for sometime... i'm hoping it'll pass soon...

Make me whole

i've been spending more time with work
whiling each day in my busy little world
and when i'm all alone
in te solace of my home... i think of you...

Honey I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

amel larrieux
~theweed

My life 020506

it's 30 past 6 in the morning... and i just got home from doing some work... man am i killing my self... hooked-up the laptop and play good old piano blues... i can feel the soulful sadness of the melody sink into my system... i've been so busy most of the time that I hadn't felt my heart complaining... you know how it feels to be running so fast and then stoppping all of a sudden and your chest would be pumping tough... i wasn't trying to run away from the reality that inside, im in no condition to be strong... inside, im dying...

poker face is what most people would call it... for me, i'm just trying to live... see i thought i had found my home... my earthen vessel... the other part of the puzzle that would complete my life... the one to be there when all else should fail... but now i failed and there was no one... no one there to hold me and lift me up... so i made the decision to stand on my own... but why am i the only one stranded on the same ground...

My love, It's been a long time since i cried and left us out of my shoe...It's hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to....Self-denial is a game... It,s strange i never would’ve wanted

if i felt there was you.
Because i have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine...the more it clears... the more i have to let you go...
Coz i want a love who would hold me in gladness and i want a love who would

be with me in madness
and it's something that you wouldn't take... didn't want to take...

But now i don’t understand why im feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea. I could’ve just denied myself my pride. Now why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground?

My love... because i have learned that love is a word gets thrown a little bit too much.

The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss I never have to...

if all else fail would you be there to love me?

When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?

But now i don’t understand why im feeling so bad now when i know it was my idea. I could’ve just denied myself my pride. Now why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground?

if all else fail would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?

~the weed

my life 122205

I thought that some time alone, was what we really needed. You siad this time would hurt more than it helps, but I couldnt see it. I thought it was the end of a beautiful story. And so I left the one I love, at home to be alone...

And I Tried and find out this one thing is true that im nothing without you, I know better now and I've had a change of heart.

I'd Rather had bad times with you, then good times with someone else. I'd rather beside you in a storm, then safe and warm by myself... I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart. I'd rather have the one who holds my heart...

So Im here cause i found this one thing is true, that im nothing without you, I know better now and I've had a change of heart.

I'd Rather had bad times with you, then goodtimes with someone else. I'd rather beside you in a storm, then safe and warm by myself, I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart. I'd rather have the one who holds my heart, who holds my heart.

I cant blame you if you turn away from me, Like I've done you I can only prove the things I've say with time, please be mine!

Id Rather had bad times with you, then goodtimes with someone else. Id rather beside you in a storm, then safe and warm by myself, Id rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart. Id rather have the one who holds my heart.

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the greatest time to really tell if you love someone is during the trying times... when there's no reason left to stay and every word is said and done... yet you still find that something to love in the person who's become part of your pain... love regains...

~theweed

my life 121105

lately... it's been a very big struggle... an up-hill climb... nay, more than that...

my sister spoke with me about love and it's seriousness... this was a conversation always worth remembering. i've never been that open and close with my sister, so hearing her talk to me about love and relationships made me think to myself... i am a nobody in love... sure, i've got quite a resume... people put so much faith in my knowledge and abilities to organize and compose corporate thoughts... yet when it comes to organizing my personal life... i'm a juvenile deliquent...

"kuya, loving is not about who's right or wrong... it's not about you being hurt, or her being hurt... it's about looking into your self and asking your heart how to better love the other person.. it's about wanting what's best for the other person not yourself... it's about admitting mistakes and making up... it's about doing something for the person without expecting nothing... it's about being completely open..."

loving is having your happiness in the other person... it's about looking at the other person and knowing to yourself that your happiness lies within her heart...

in my anger and my pride, in my self-serving need to give back the hurt that i had received, i had overlooked where my happiness, my true happiness lies... it's in this person that i am angry towards..

a song once said... "Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be... But you know what truth is?... it's that woman you fought with this morning, the same one you're going to make love with tonight, that's truth, that's love......"

the truth is... that inspite and despite of... love sould always be there... God should always be there...

i'd looked inside myself... and seen where my happiness is... it's with me all this time, even during the most difficult and troublesome part of life... God had made it so that I have it with me already...

"the person meant for you is the person who'll love you even when there's no more reason to love you... for in your nothingness, the one meant for you will find what's loveable in you..."

my life 120505

in my life, i've made so many mistakes that i can't even begin to try to count them...some bigger than others, some smaller... one thing i've learned though... people will always be there to judge you because of those mistakes no matter the reason nor the meaning of the mistake...
it's been days since i had a decent sleep... days since i was able to rest comfortably in the once small bed that we used to share...

in the heat of the moment, yet again, i had been judged by a person i believe loves me in all entirety... and for a fleeting moment... everything... ceased to be...

what does it mean to say you ove someone? how do you really show them? it's easy to say you love someone when there's not a sign of trials on the horizon... or when the person you love doesn't hurt you or does not offend you... but can we really back our words when the moment calls for it... like when you're impossibly hurt? can human beings say.. yes i love you still.. here are my arms... come home...

what i've learned? ... it is possible, if even have the faith as small as the grain of salt in the Almighty... we couldn't trust the person we love... let's then trust in the Lord Almighty... he knows best...

The true nature of a heart is seen in it's response to the unattractive.

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She lived in New York City.

He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War IIDuring the next year and one-month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A Romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 pm at Grand Central Station in New York."You'll recognize me, " she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen.

I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young women was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A women well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the women whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own.

And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful.I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the women, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"The women's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.

The true nature of a heart is seen in it's response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."